Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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