Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
