I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
