Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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