it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
