Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Pooping to opera.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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