How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
