I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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