nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
