Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
