yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
