based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The adults are the big ones right?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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