Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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