You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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