I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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