WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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