Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
