the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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