someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
