I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
