they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You ate ashes out of my bong
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
