you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
