she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
