I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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