I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize