so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
