He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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