Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
