When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
