morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Two words: blizzard sex
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
