i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
