Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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