Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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