Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
