Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
