When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
