Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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