i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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