thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
