Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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