Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
