dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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