I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
