Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I love how my cats smell like pot.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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