I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
