The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
