I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
