i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
