things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
