y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
