turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
