So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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