Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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