id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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