life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
