rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
